When I started this blog almost two years ago, it was simply so family and friends could keep up with our adoption story. International adoption is a whirlwind and while we were caught up in the vortex of that experience, we didn't have time to update everyone that was asking for updates.
When we got back from China we thought our story was coming to a close. Boy were we wrong!
I am just starting to grasp the fact that this adoption story is endless. All adoption stories are endless.
If you read this blog even just once in a while, you know that Claire is doing splendidly. She really is! I can honestly say that I never expected her to bond so well, so fast. I had no idea that it would be like she had always been here with us. I'd heard the stories of so many families that said it really was like their child had been handpicked just for them. Seeing is believing.
But even so, I get reminders all the time that she is still processing everything in her own way and on her own time table. I didn't think, that after 18 months, we would still be talking about bonding.
I've come to realize that bonding isn't one step in the process. It isn't a hurdle you get over. It doesn't happen, it forms.....it accumulates....it develops. Bonding is the process.
When we were handed our angel in China, she looked around at us seemingly in shock. She did not cry. I wanted her to cry. Crying is healthy in this situation. She rode back to the hotel with us in curious quietness. She did not cry. I wanted her to cry. She sat on the bed surrounded by new toys while we worked out some details with our guide and planned our next meal. She did not cry. I wanted her to cry. She ate in silence, everything I put in her mouth, and again looked at us with curious eyes. She did not cry. But, as the afternoon wore on, it apparently occurred to our babe that she was in unfamiliar territory, with strange people, and she was tired. It was at this point that Claire finally cried. She cried and would not let us hold her. She would not let us even wipe her nose. But, it was good. Because she cried.
And for the next few days, her behavior was textbook. She was grieving. She was grieving the loss of everything she knew and in her grief she attached to her Daddy and rejected me. She allowed him to hold her, feed her, play with her. She pushed me away if I even came near, and shook her head no to me if I looked at her when Paul wasn't in the room. Others have said that these little ones can't bare the betrayal of their foster mothers abandoning them, which is exactly what it was like for her. She'd been left with these strangers and she had no understanding of what adoption meant. She kept looking for her other mama to come get her. And, so they will not have anything to do with their new Mamas. For other children they bond with the Mama and reject the Daddy because they may never have seen a male before.
Our girl was all about her Daddy. The entire time we were in China. But, those 12 days in China were all about bonding. Even if she would have very little to do with me. She learned to depend on us for food, shelter, laughs, love and help. She was building trust.
Once home, her personality blossomed. She looked for us and smiled at us and laughed with us. She preferred us to others. She didn't give hugs and resisted kisses, but she allowed us to hold and hug her. And over time she began to hug us and then allowed kisses and then kissed us and then.....
Then one day this summer she spontaneously hugged me and said, "I love you, Mommy" and I realized that this was a first. She'd never done that before but until she did it, I couldn't appreciate how much it would mean. She did this on her own. When she was ready. It couldn't be rushed. And it took over a year! Love and trust had to accumulate before it could occur on it's own.
And even now, as I sit here and think, I can come up with several things that about Claire that probably have more to do with attachment issues than just her personality. For example, if you look her directly in the eyes, while holding her and speak about how much you love her, she will often just dissolve into tears. It's like she can't handle that kind of blatant raw love yet.
That's okay. I'm still going to do it and one day...maybe one day she will look in my eyes and speak of how she loves me. Until then, we will continue to grow and bond together on this trek that doesn't end.
And, along with bonding comes the fragile atmosphere of adoption that involves their past. Because really, her life did not start with us, you know. And our reaction to her pre-adoption life will apparently speak volumes to her one day. According to all the experts (other adoptive families).
Why do you think I read other adoption blogs? Because I need confirmation that I'm not messing up, people.
Blessing or curse, Claire doesn't seem to remember anything to do with her life in China. She was 2 1/2 when she came home. She is extremely verbal now. Yet, she can relay nothing of her life before us. I feel strongly that it has something to do with the fact that her little body was so filled with toxins from some medical issues that have since been resolved.
I am waiting for the day that she makes comments I don't recognize about things I don't know about. Like her foster family. Which she seems to have no recollection of. At all.
I hope I have the right reaction when she finally starts disclosing.
And I hope and pray that I will have some answers to give her when she asks questions. It is the primary reason I follow the blogs of some many other adoptive families. I'm looking for answers too.
But as I've said, she doesn't talk about it.....even though I do. Just so she won't think she can't. I talk about China. I talk about her foster mama and baba. I talk about food she ate and things I know she did. Thankfully, a few things were recorded in a diary that I was given in China. Because I know she is going to want to know something at some point.
And this is what I'm thinking about on the eve of Claire's 4th birthday. In 18 months our girl has gone from shocked....
To happy and confident.
A girl that loves her Mama and
definitely her Daddy!
They came out darn cute, if I do say so myself!
Super darlin'.... I might be a little biased.
Does it get any cuter????
Super darlin'.... I might be a little biased.
Does it get any cuter????
Really enjoyed it!
REALLY!
Really enjoyed it!
REALLY!
And apparently, we have an aspiring doctor on our hands!
